Releasing Control

“A good head and a good heart are always a formidable combination”

- Nelson Mandela

One of my teachers always says, “logic makes poor medicine”. A reminder that we can’t think our way out of emotional experiences (try as we might!) Instead, we need to activate the heart, thus calming the nervous system and lighting our way through the shadows. As Nelson Mandela teaches, an integrated head & heart is a formidable combination.

Yet that logic is so seductive! 

It often looks like intellectualizing or reasoning with ourselves: “it’s going to be fine”, “stop worrying”, “I shouldn't care about X,Y,Z". This does not help as it doesn’t speak to the emotional experience. Often a part of us will buck and say, “but what if it’s not fine!” Pulling us into a tug of war with our experiences, disengaging us from the present moment.

This image comes from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy and beautifully depicts what can happen when we rely on logic. This tug of war is tempting, and very common, yet can the character above enjoy the sunset, receive a hug, or be filled with laughter? No, not while he is consumed with getting rid of, reasoning, or trying to fix his pain.

What happens when we activate the heart? 

As my family was experiencing COVID I leaned heavily on my heart. I would rest my hand there and open to its whispers. My heart would remind me, with a soft knowing, “you are doing the best you can”, “I’m sorry this happened", “may you surrender control”. My heart held my fears and whispered kindness as opposed to telling myself to feel other than I do. Connecting to the heart, rather than logic, allowed me to open to the silver linings COVID brought to us and I was able to untangle from internal dialogue and deeply connect with my family. Self compassion allows us to drop the rope, accept and nurture our pain, and from this place we can move towards what we care about. 

Join me in practice, audio meditations here