Acceptance Based Mindset

“Our addiction to always being right is a great block to the truth.”

~ Stephen Levine

I remember learning about an experiment in my psychology undergraduate course wherein a classroom full of people were asked to report what they saw after a man unexpectedly ran through the classroom. The student reports were rampant with variations: he/she was wearing a hat, was wearing a hood, they were tall, short, the list goes on. Everyone saw something different. Who was “right”?

So often we get caught in the alienating place of needing to be right. Unfortunately, the dichotomy of right/wrong is alienating and limiting. An acceptance-based mindset is to understand that based on our life experience, perspective, and many other contributing factors, we are all “right”. Because it is our experience. In the experiment, what those students reported seeing was literally their reality. So in a literal sense it might be inaccurate, but for them it’s “right” because it’s what they experience. To be clear, this mindset does not mean we stop standing up for our experience/perspective, disagreeing, or debating with one another. If we can let go of the need to be “right” or even loosen our grip on there being a “right”, we can still engage in influencing one another. I would argue we can be even more effective in connecting, listening, and growing from this place.

Let me give you an example, your partner feels like they are carrying more of the weight. They feel burdened and overwhelmed and potentially suggest you aren’t doing as much. This can elicits defensiveness and you're at the ready with a stack of evidence demonstrating your contributions to tasks. What can ensue is an argument about who is right, which can often alienate or cause more conflict. What if you take a moment to imagine both of you are right. Your partner is stressed and overwhelmed, they perceive they are doing more. You also might imagine or perceive you are doing as much or more than them. Who is “right”? As Levine says, “Our addiction to always being right is a great block from the truth."

Dropping the right/wrong debate, we might be able to turn towards one another with curiosity, “I am experiencing this differently, tell me why you feel that way?” Or “I get it, it’s hard when to feel alone in all the tasks. What can we do." Notice how much more room there is to move and change. The nervous system isn't getting cues to fight, it's getting cues to understand. It's important I dispel a common misconception to this mindset: we do not have to agree, become a doormat, or stay silent when we allow someone to have a right to their experience. Utilizing this acceptance mentality opens the door to connection and change.

Let this sink in and permeate your relationships with friends, children, partners. And in the age of vaccinated and unvaccinated, we are going to need to practice acceptance and approaching difficult conversations. Stay curious my friends.