Introduction to Self Compassion
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection."
Buddha, 563 BC - 483 BC
Self-Compassion is one of my favorite topics; it is one of the main underpinnings of my work. You may have mixed feelings about it as it's something that goes against the grain of our culture. We currently live in an environment, and have been raised, to focus on what we need to improve. I call this the Deficit Model. A sense that we are not doing enough - need to exercise more, need to work harder, need to spend more time with loved ones, stay up on the news, the list goes on. All of this contradicts the Buddha’s teaching, sending a message that we must do X to be “deserving” of kindness and love. Neuroscience has shown us that thoughts release hormones. So if we are operating from a place of deficit, believing and thinking we need to do more and be more, we may be flooding our system with the stress hormone called cortisol. Our system feels as if we are attacking ourselves! OY VEY. I know we are all hoping to be our best selves, yet the irony is, our current more critical habits decrease motivation to even do what we’re “shoulding” ourselves to do!
Self compassion is an amazing antidote to our culture’s current stress epidemic. And it sounds lovely too - “be kind to yourself”. How easy is that? Well, I’ve found both personally and professional it’s not so easy! This deficit model has infused many domains in our life (cue the cover of most magazines glorifying a particular figure- and the recipe to get it!) We have just naturally adopted this more critical, judgemental, or perfectionistic way of being with ourselves. Self-compassion can change that, and in fact, research shows us that it improves motivation, relationships, and a sense of confidence. Think about it - if we are kind to ourselves we are more likely to take risks and not be afraid of the consequences. We are going to feel more comfortable in our body which impacts posture and eye contact. We will feel more connected to ourselves and others.
So how do we do it? We start with Mindfulness: Awareness of your present moment experience. Paying attention to any critical or harsh self-talk. Often times critical self-talk is elicited when we are disappointed in an outcome. Notice the habitual response, and instead turn towards ourselves with kindness, just as you would treat a loved one. Self-compassion dialogue acknowledges when we are not happy with how things went AND brings a sense of understanding. A common misconception is that compassion lets us off the hook - this is inaccurate. Take for example if we snap at a loved one. Following this, our inner dialogue may start criticizing ourselves for being mean, impatient, harsh, etc. Self-compassion is about noticing this, and bringing tenderness to ourselves, validating what’s happening underneath the snappiness. For example, we might say to ourselves “I understand I am tired and I didn’t eat lunch, I can understand what happened. Next time I will take a walk and be sure not to skip meals. I do not want to treat others like that.”
Now we know a little more about what it is, you may be wondering how does it help? As I mentioned, research shows compassion is more motivating than criticism. Here’s how: This internal stance does not say “its okay, don’t worry about it.” And this stance certainly doesn’t shove it under the rug. It kindly calls you out. As Paul Gilbert says, founder of Compassion Focused Therapy, “May I be helpful, not harmful.” So think about it, it’s not helpful to let us off the hook so to speak, as this will just perpetuate the behavior. As in the example above, berating yourself following being reactive will release cortisol (stress) and increase the likelihood to snap again! Self-criticism is actually self-defeating. Alternatively, self-compassion supports your personal growth as well as ripples out into the world.
I hope you’ve found this introduction helpful. A key component to this practice is mindfulness. Check out my brief self-compassion audio here. This will further clarify some of these concepts and hopefully start you on a path towards self-compassion. Be well.
Warmly
Ellen Slater, LICSW, RYT
Founder